Avoid Getting Caught With Your Hand In The Cookie Jar-Think Like A Woman!

Hi, honey, how was work today?
Great! Got that promotion, finished that project, and had a great time with that hottie, Brandy! She gives unbelievable head! Did I ever tell you that, hon? What a rack on that babe! She raised her rates since last week, but, hey, for head like that what can you do?
That's exactly how your girlfriend or wife acts, right? They just love your adventure stories with escorts don't they?
I don't think so!
Hey, unless you've got a real open relationship with your old lady, you need to know a few things about not getting caught.

Women are naturally devious creatures. When they suspect a problem, they rarely come out and address it. Instead they lurk, spy, and secretly gather enough evidence for a case against you! Actions speak louder than words. If your behavior patterns are out of the ordinary, you can assume that you're already suspected.
Take Precautions!

Be attentive to what your old lady wants. You know, that fictional "good husband"? Be careful not to overdue it, though. Too much nice stuff automatically makes you a guilty man.
Stick to your normal actions. Any change in the normal pattern will clue her in to your hobby. If you spend every Sunday afternoon in front of the television, don't make that your time to hook up with the escort! She'll be on you like fly on shit!

Schedule your appointments with providers during your lunch hour or directly after work when you should be at the gym.

Don't be evasive when making excuses. Come up with a legitimate routine. Use normal stuff: you're trying to go to the gym on a regular basis. You volunteered for a special project at work. Every once in a while include her in events that she wouldn't find interesting and allow her to turn it down. She will think you really want to be with her.
Make sure your friends can provide an alibi, and make sure everyone is on the same page! If you have a designated cell phone for your hobby, make sure your friend has the number in case of an emergency. After your appointment, don't forget to contact him to make sure your significant other didn't call.

When scheduling an appointment with a provider, never use your cell phone or home telephone. If I need to tell you why, then you're already screwed! Come on! Use your brain, McFly!
Your old lady will definitely peruse your personal phone book, your pants pockets, your jacket pockets, anything and everything looking for those odd numbers. Hell, she's probably already doing it, your dumbass just doesn't know it.

Hey you're a guy, you don't think like that. What I'm saying is that you have to! Think like her. Be like her. You've got to know her moves before preventing an attack!
Do not call from your office or from the hotel. Always use a prepaid calling card or cell phone.
If you really like visiting providers, you might want to set up a private personal bank account that your lady doesn't know about. Use it as your monthly entertainment allowance. You could also get a personal credit card and have the bill sent to a private mailbox.
Do not spend a lot of time looking up porno pics on the internet! She will find out. If you are on that computer a lot, even if you are careful and get rid of all the evidence, she will still suspect you! Unless you use the computer for work or some other thing that can be explained, she will think you are looking at nude chicks! There is a program called Specter that records everything you do! If she's got it, you're screwed!
Don't let that happen to you!

Always empty your cache and never use your home or work e-mail. Set up a private e-mail account at www.private-access.com
This is how to empty your cache:

If you use Internet Explorer -a) go to the very top of the interface and you will see File, Edit, View, Favorites and Tools. Select the Tools option. b) Select the Internet Options. c) Go to temporary Internet Files and select Delete Files. d) A window will pop up-select OK. That will delete the evidence.

If you use Internet Explorer -a) go to the very top of the interface and you will see File, Edit, View, Favorites and Tools. Select the Tools option. b) Select the Internet Options. c) Go to temporary Internet Files and select Delete Files. d) A window will pop up-select OK. That will delete the evidence.

If you use Netscape-go to the very top of the interface . a) Select the edit function, then select Preferences. b) Select the + Advanced feature located at the bottom of all options d) Locate the-Advanced option and select Cache. e) You will then be presented with Clear Memory Cache and Clear Disc Cache-select both options which will clear your cache and then press OK.
Do not allow the provider to use baby oil, scented oils or anything that the old lady will smell. Women know what their men smell like!
While scheduling the appointment, ask the provider not to use perfume. If you can smell it, so can your lady!

If the provider has long nails, ask her not to scratch your back during intense moments.
Always discard all lubricants and condoms. Don't hold them in your pockets! Take a few minutes to check your clothing, pockets, and body for anything out of the ordinary
Never engage in unprotected sex. This includes oral sex. If she has a cold sore, throw up the red flag. It's herpes and if you catch it, your old lady will too! She doesn't deserve that.
Always pay with cash when renting a hotel room. Contact hotels that do not require a credit card.

Always, always discard of all of the ads you printed out! Get rid of provider phone numbers as well. In all cases be cautious. Always.

Increase Your Sex Appeal By Listening to Your Mother

Increase Your Sex Appeal By Listening to Your Mother

Use Common Sense

This is a true story...even if it wasn't it could happen to you!

It's the middle of the summer. Danny, a local salesman, has been on the road all day. To make things worse, his lactose intolerant ass has been blowing farts since the morning! He's had to make pit stops every three hours to relieve his large intestine.

He's got exactly fifteen minutes to get home and make his 8 o'clock appointment with that hot escort, Kay. He gets home, but the clock's ticking. So, he throws on the cheap cologne from his cousin, washes his mouth out with water and turns on the Laker game.

Kay arrives. They go to the bed. They get undressed. Danny tries to kiss her, but that garlic chicken he ate for lunch isn't doing her any favors! She's a good sport so she tries to kiss his salty neck, but it's too much for her. Still, she's a professional. She goes down his chest and tries not to gag at his over bearing B.O!

This is too much for Kay. She figures she'll blow him and then the bad dream will come to an end. She gets to his balls and...what the hell was she thinking!!! If the B.O. from his chest was bad, what...the B.O. from his balls would be better!?

She curses her own stupidity! The crap emanating from his balls would kill the stuff coming from the rest of his body! Danny's just plain funky!

Even with all that she's a professional. So, she puts on a condom, blows him a couple times, grabs the lube, hops on top, makes like a rabbit, hops off, puts on her clothes, says, "Thanks, I had a great time!" and counts her money while walking to the car.

Danny is stuck looking at his hand, thinking, "I could have gotten ten extra minutes out of Rosie!"

Have you ever had sex after a long day at work? If you have, the girl is either very understanding, or she was sucking on a Marlboro and taking shots of tequila during the whole thing!

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Be A Clean Machine Live Better, Clean!!!

Be A Clean Machine

Live Better, Clean!!!

Good ole bachelors are notorious for living like pigs. Actually, most pigs are cleaner than bachelors. The only time a bachelor will clean his place is when he's got a hot date or his mother shows up.

Well, isn't an escort a date? Think of it this way...the run of the mill date is going to cost you a lot and you're probably going to be left with Rosie and her Five Sisters at the end of the night. An escort? She's going to cost you about $300 and you are assured of getting laid!

Plus, if you clean up that rat hole you're going to get laid well. Real well!

A lot of escorts complain about the state of their clients' apartments. If you've ever run into an escort trampling over the pizza boxes and beer bottles to get to the door, then look around your abode. You guessed it. It was the pizza boxes and beer bottles that got her wanting to leave so quick!

Pay attention to the next stuff. There are a lot of things a guy can do to make his home more presentable. It's not hard, and it goes a long way in impressing someone.

The Dumpster...I mean, the Living Room

Open the windows. Air out the room. Don't complain. Just do it.

All of those beer cans, bottles, pizza boxes, Chinese take-out cartons? There is a thing called the garbage can that just loves that stuff. Use your friend the garbage can. Everyone knows you're not taking a paper mache class so get rid of all of those newspapers while you're at it. And the ashtrays? Come on! What do you think this is? A crematorium! Empty those things!

Clean the coffee table with some sort of glass cleaner. Take all of the dirty glasses, coffee cups, anything you've eaten out of, drank out of, eaten with, or eaten on and put it in the dishwasher. If you don't have the dishwasher then wash the dishes. If you don't know how to wash the dishes, call your mother or sister or some ex-girlfriend or that gay friend from work.

Clean your couch too. Get rid of the crumbs. Use that amazing Dust Buster you got for Christmas from your aunt. There's this stuff called FreshCare that you can buy at any grocery store. It makes your couch smell nice. Use it! Don't be afraid of being a wuss while you buy it! Just pony up the cash for the stuff!

The Outhouse...I mean, Bathroom

A good thing to start with is purchasing some artillery to kill off the roaches and water bugs. They're there and they must be destroyed! While you're at it, kill all of the bastards in the kitchen too.

When the hottie arrives, she will go to the bathroom...bathtub, shower, toilet, and sink have got to be CLEAN! She will reward a man willing to part with mold and fungus.

By the way the most annoying thing is going into a clean bathroom and looking at a towel that's been through so much ass drying it's thinning like Charles Barkley's head. Please get some new towels! If you have to, borrow them from your sister.

TOILET PAPER! Remember this one. Women use a lot of TOILET PAPER! Get enough for the bathroom.

Here's a math problem to explain what a bathroom can do for you.

Clean bathroom + clean living room +manners = wild, passionate sex.

The Roach Nest...I mean, Love Nest

Remember your mother told you to clean your bedroom? Well, it's not too late to listen! The bedroom is where all of the action takes place so it's a good idea to keep it nice and fresh.

Open the window. Like the living room, don't complain. Just do it.

Get a nice double size bed. Trust me. It works wonders. Most escorts aren't into that four foot bed you've been sleeping in since the sixth grade. They're not into bunk beds either. Invest in an adult bed.

Clean your sheets. You sweat at night. What did you think the sweat did? Evaporate? Wash your sheets, dry them, and for heaven's sake don't let Fido get on that bed after you've put them back on! Escorts are much happier when they aren't getting dog hair into their eyes and ears. If you have clean sheets, you'll see a 50 percent improvement in your sessions with escorts.

This is not rocket science! If you want her to feel comfortable and really get into the session, make an effort to create a fresh, clean environment.

Dirty Laundry
Do you have a laundry bin? Get one if you don't.

Do you have a socks and underpants drawer? Ditto above.

Do you have a wardrobe closet? Once again...ditto above.

Now, if you have all of those things then why the hell aren't you using them???

Hang all of the clothes up and toss all of the dirty clothes into the laundry bin. Then stash the laundry bin away. It will win you points.

Use that FreshCare stuff and clean the bed. Spray some nice citrus fragrance into the bedroom. All of this stuff will just add to the session.

Remember, if a woman sees a cluttered room, she'll just assume that the guy's a clutter in bed! Don't be a clutter! Be a love-making Clean Machine!!!